Mom, I wanna say..

Dear Mom,
Perhaps I haven't being a good girl for you. May be I'm too old to whine on you. All I have to do just crying and keep my mouth in silence, lol.
mungkin, sebagai seorang remaja yang masih dalam tahap perkembangan dan mencari jati diri, I am kinda same like other. tapi sesungguhnya, diri ini were born as a rebellious one.
when, we want people around hear what u need, the first thing u need to do just listen to them. beberapa orang selalu berpikir bahwa sabar adalah kata yang tepat untuk sketching the old me.
apakah seorang ibu tanpa lelah membesarkan anak-anaknya? it may be absolutely right. tapi mengapa.. you are as my mom, just complaining about. bahkan brave to show us some f*ckin' screaming which make us being unfortunate to being here (world).
sebagai seorang anak terkecil/the youngest di rumah, ingin rasanya go out far from home at least 10000 KM, and never wanna come back.
beberapa waktu yg lalu, my mom really proud that I've been passed the test of AFS/YES Program. tapi seketika raut wajahnya surprisingly change! seakan-akan ia tidak mau mensupport lagi or thought that I haven't did my good job. whatt??
dirumah, aku selalu merasa kesepian. kakak-kakakku yang all of them are colleges itu terkadang haven't the same mind like me!
yah, ingin rasanya keluar dari tempat menyeramkan ini.

"if this is would I call home, why does it feel so alone?"

aku ga butuh pacar! aku ga butuh teman! aku ga butuh sahabat! yang aku butuhkan hanyalah DIDENGAR!

"you don't need to understand, all u need just believe"

bahkan, I'm kinda doubt untuk curhat tentang seseorang yang sudah jadi my crush since 2 years ago itu!
aku terheran, kenapa banyak sekali teman-temanku yg really feel so easy tell about anything to their moms.
ya tuhan, ingin rasanya duduk dipojok taman yang hijau dan bercerita tentang "edward"ku kepada mama. but how?
she just too busy, after dad passed away 2 years ago.. it makes her being hard-worker and complainer.
aku takut ma! aku takutt.. aku sangat takut if somewhere I could back to the something I call blackhole.
yah, dulu atau setelah kepergian papa, I was stressed and depression, I found something that makes me feel better. I won't say them now, but it absolutely makes me feel better. jika hati ini bisa berteriak, jika hati ini bisa berbicara, tidak akan ada rasa sakit lagi didunia ini. :(

mom, I need you to support my dream not to being unappreciated person in my life.
mom, I need you to caring on yourself too not just being a hard-worker and complainer.
mom, I need you to know that you are mean to me.
mom, I need you to know that I have a crush that still into my mind now.
mom, I need you to hear that I really feel alone.
mom, I need you to spend your whole life with us, your children.
mom, I need you to keep your promise that you never marry someone else.
mom, I need you to hold me when I'm feel sick.
mom, I need you to appreciate me that I'm fat, I'm weird, and I'm strange
mom, I need you to know that I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.. No matter what.

mungkin, uang itu berharga namun apakah itu seberharga nyawa seseorang?
mungkin, uang itu penting namun apakah itu sepenting waktu yang telah kau habiskan?
aku rindu.. aku ingin.. aku amat sangat menginginkan untuk didengar bukannya diacuhkan.
tuhan itu adil kan? ketika seorang keluarga yang tentram dan damai, lalu berubah menjadi seperti rongsokan tua tak berdaya.
honestly, sebenarnya I'm envy to my "crush" and that's such a reason why he must be.
dia pintar, dia memliki orang tua yang lengkap, dia punya saudara-saudara yang unik, dia punya banyak teman, dia punya rumah yang hangat, dia tampan, dia punya segalanya!
ya tuhan.. ingin rasanya seperti dulu, ketika kami sekeluarga would spent our dinner by laugh, smile and warm atmosphere.

sejujurnya, aku amat takut akan kehilangan mama. ya tuhan.. jangan dulu ambil nyawanya, walau ia tidak seperti seorang ibu yang aku harapkan namun mungkin engkau merubahnya seperti sekarang ini karena engkau ingin kami menjadi anak-anak yang mandiri tanpa seorang ayah yang membimbing.
huff.. ingin sekali rasanya membawa mama ketempat dimana ia hanya dapat duduk manis dikursi hangatnya sambil sesekali meminum teh hangat dengan pemandangan khas New Zealand atau Norwegia.
iya, NZ dan Norway.. negara impian!
sempat terpikir untuk menusuk salah satu urat biru di pergelangan tangan ini, tapi jangan.. papa pasti sedih, papa pasti marah, papa pasti ga akan bangga, dan papa pasti sangat amat merasa bersalah karena salah mendidik anak.
drugs, free sex? oh god, nononono.. I won't make my parents being sooo unhappy.

recently, I have make some plans to reach my dreams :D
there are absolutely full of perspiration, willingness, and effort!
some creepy things I do as my mood-booster are stalking "his" twitter account, editing some photos about him, and.. find more infos about him. hehehe..
'cause now, I am all alone.
lol, nevermind~~~